


Walls

by wth_am_i_writing



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Eating Disorders, Gen, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-27 07:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17157491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wth_am_i_writing/pseuds/wth_am_i_writing
Summary: Bottles on the couch replaced books in bed.





	Walls

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr on October 16, 2014.
> 
> Original Author’s Note: Not the PADoll fic I said I’d post soon. I decided to add a lot of scenes to that. I’ll work on it over the next few days. Been disconcerted about what’s been going on with a friend of a friend in recent months and this was the result. The writing is shitty ‘cause I wrote it late at night while still sleepy but… oh well. Going home for fall break today. Hope you enjoy!

“I don’t care much for drinking,” N had told Leo the first time they went out drinking together as trainees. It had been late on a Saturday night in a club that didn’t suit either of them very well. It’d been a spur of the moment thing to go out clubbing, a decision to get out and experience something that would be harder to do soon–it seemed like things were starting to come together for Jellyfish’s planned boy band. Anything definite had been a long way off at that point, but they had had a bucket list of things they wanted to do before the company really started cracking down on them.

“Same,” Leo had admitted, studying N carefully. Even at that time, having known N for a little more than a year, Leo could tell that N was the type to carefully guard himself. Maybe it had been the walls around N’s heart that allowed Leo to feel connected to him. He had those same walls, but he wasn’t good at hiding them like N was. Leo was quiet and broody, N was loud and wore his emotions on his sleeve, but they both had carefully crafted walls to ward off the pain. If Leo had to ever guess _why_ N didn’t like drinking, it was that he didn’t want those walls to waver, that he didn’t want to open himself up and lose control. Maybe that was the reason, maybe it wasn’t. But it was another unexpected common point between them that strengthened their bond despite their otherwise _completely_ opposite interests.

“I don’t know how you do that,” N had sighed when Hongbin, not even twenty, out drank Ken and Ravi one night in the dorms shortly after debut. The floor was littered in soju bottles and Ravi had thrown up all over the floor, unable to make it to the bathroom.

“Someone’s jealous,” Hongbin had grinned at N, swatting off Ken as he claimed that had the beverage of choice been different, he would have wiped the floor with Hongbin. N had just shaken his head as he left the room to get supplies to clean up after Ravi as Leo drug said drunk off to bed.

“I need a drink,” N had murmured, face buried in his hands, leaned over the kitchen table, voice shaky, after they caught Ken trying to vomit up dinner. It hadn’t been the first time they’d caught him doing that, and that was what made it so stressful. They’d thought Ken had gotten better, that he was overcoming his inner demons, that he was starting to see his body positively, but they had been so, _so_ wrong. Ken had just gotten better at _hiding_ it.

It had been two weeks before their next comeback stage. Hongbin, Ravi and Hyuk didn’t know about Ken’s _problem_ , though Leo was sure that at least Hyuk suspected. It had been a weight on Leo and N’s shoulders, a weight that N desperately hadn’t needed, Leo could tell. Had they not needed to be up in less than three hours, Leo was sure that N would have stolen a few of Hongbin’s beers.

“I wish he would learn to respect my boundaries more,” Leo had said about N on broadcast when he wasn’t there to stop him or defend himself. N hadn’t gone to bed that night, so Leo wandered out to see what had held N up. He had found N seated in front of the large windows in the living room, staring out over the city, a half empty bottle of soju in front of him.

“Five years and it seems I still can’t read you properly,” N had laughed. “You should have told me sooner, in _private_.” It was that night that Leo realized he’d screwed up, that the walls N had been slowly lowering for him were back up and higher than ever. He hadn’t been able to come up with the words to fix it, and when he tried, he just fumbled and made everything worse.

“I’m not very good at drinking, but lately, I’ve been thinking of trying it,” N had admitted on broadcast. It had made Leo’s stomach churn uncomfortably when he watched the program, though it hadn’t seemed to affect the other members. N had become distant, no longer told Leo about the things that bothered him, yet patiently egged Leo through his rough patches. The circles under N’s eyes were growing darker and he seemed happier away from the members than he did with them, promotions heavy on his shoulders.

“You’re being generous,” Hyuk had said at his birthday celebration party as N brought out expensive bottles of wine.

“We’re all adults now, so we should celebrate like it,” N had explained with a mischievous smile. Leo had sat, swirling his glass of wine, and watched as N drank twice the amount he’d have been able to handle in their trainee days, watched as N propped up his playful attitude and smile with alcohol, wondering just when it had come to reinforce the walls around his heart instead of acting as the medium to tear them down with.

“Why are you drinking tonight?” Leo asked, sitting down next to N on the couch.

“I need a reason to drink?” N slurred with an empty smile, drunker than Leo was comfortable seeing him the night before a music show performance.

Everything about the N sitting next to Leo seemed so wrong. Gone were the days when N would stand in front of the mirror for an hour preening until every last hair on his body was exactly the way he wanted, checking and rechecking his outfit, admiring his reflection. Gone were the days of physical affection and rambling recollections of his day. Gone were the days where he would curl up on his bed with a book to escape the stresses of work.

These days, he let the stylists take care of everything. The energetic ramblings that had annoyed everyone were now saved for people that were not VIXX. Bottles on the couch replaced books in bed. N’s hair was ruffled, as if he’d been running his hands through it, pushed up, revealing his forehead. Leo wasn’t sure when the last time he’d seen N reading was.

“I’m worried about you,” Leo confessed, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut. He wished he could wonder what had brought N to this state, but he _knew._ Had _sat by and watched_ him spiral down. It _hurt_ to see N like this, hurt to know that he’d _contributed_ to this.

“Ken didn’t eat dinner again tonight,” N said after a few moments. “Ravi’s five minutes from getting caught with Taemin, I missed the birth of my nephew, the CEO’s pressuring Hyuk to lose more weight, Hongbin’s getting pressured into taking his clothes off on camera and we’re in the middle of promotions with a shitty performance schedule. Give me a reason _not_ to drink.” He brought the bottle he’d been cradling in his hands to lips and chugged the remainder of it down.

“Because you aren’t the same man I met as a trainee any more,” Leo argued weakly, drawing a barking laugh from N’s lips.

“Yeah, well, neither are you.”


End file.
